Monday, April 13, 2020
MY FIRST LOVE LETTER
One night can change your whole life.
I've been staring at a blank screen for a while now... I actually don't know how to start. I've written a lot of poems, blogs and stories already, but why is it so hard for me to write this one...
a love letter
...
I used to write about the things that hurt me... people that did me wrong. I used to write down every single ache, fear, doubt... I used to write with a tear rolling down my face. I used to write about sadness, pain, broken heart and broken promises. I used to write just about those.
But you came
I can still remember the very first night we met. The very first time we talk... and how I tried to stay close to you for the whole night. We had fun together with our friends. I just couldn't keep my eyes off of you that night. You were too handsome. You are exactly my type. I thought I wasn't your type though, because you kept talking with your other friends. You were also texting non stop (rolling my eyes right now). I thought you had a girlfriend... but then you offered me a drink. You even asked me to go down to 7/11 with you because you have to charge your phone. Then you asked if you could drive me home. I told you that I was staying till four in the morning to see Wil Dasovish and asked you to not wait for me... but you stayed. You waited till I saw Wil. After that, we both went down with Teejay. Teejay was teasing you that time, but you weren't saying anything. You were just smiling.
 |
| December 8, 2018 Baninay Bautista's Despedida Party |
On the road, you were playing rap music. You were shamelessly singing along. I thought you have an amazing voice. That was our first night together, but you looked so comfortable already. Then we went to a drive thru in Jollibee. With your car parked in front of the store, I was looking at you. I wasn't sure if you noticed, but I just can't help myself. My eyes just can't stop admiring you.
"I am really having a good time right now. I think we would be a great couple... it's just sad that this is going to be our last night together" - this is what I thought.
From that very moment I knew that I liked you already, but at that very moment too, I knew that we couldn't be together. I don't know why I thought of that, but I just knew that nothing will happen between us.
But here I am now... writing my very first love letter.
I had a hard time starting this letter, because this is different. For the first time in my life, I have finally written something that makes my heart happy. I am no longer drawn into sad songs. I can no longer relate to sad quotes. I no longer think that I could never find someone that would love me so much. I no longer say "Sana All", because you are already giving me your all.
The saying is right... "Good things come when you least expect it", and you are my favourite unexpected gift. Our love story may not be the usual one. We've been through so much first before getting to this point. And if I'd be given a chance to go back from the very beginning and repeat the whole process just to be with you again... I'd do it in a heart beat. Being with you is one of the best decisions I've ever made. I will never ever regret saying "yes" to you. You are my first and if God will permit... I want you to be my last.
Who would have thought that "that night" was not our last night?
God.
Happy 2nd Monthsary, Mahal!
We're still stuck in the quarantine.
Can I be stuck in your heart instead?
Haha
I love you.
I love you.
Tuesday, March 31, 2020
10 SIGNS NA PAASA SIYANG LALAKI
Naranasan niyo na bang magkagusto sa isang tao na akala niyo e gustong gusto din kayo? Yung pag kausap mo siya e parang suot mo ang korona ng Miss Universe sa sobrang haba ng hair mo? Naranasan mo na bang ma in love sa isang taong binigay lahat ng dahilan para mahalin mo siya pero nung nahulog ka na e nawala lang ng parang bula?
Kung "Oo" ang sagot mo... Naka encounter ka ng isang
PAASA
Pa Fall
Asshole
Fuccboi
Sa panahon ngayon na nagkalat na ang mga PAASANG nilalang sa lansangan, lahat naman siguro e naramdaman na kung gaano kasakit ang mapa-asa nang tao na may pag asa kayo pero ikaw lang palang mag isa ang umaasa.
Kaya heto ako ngayon at nagsusulat ng article about mga sa mga g*gong creatures na yan. Para naman hindi na dumami pa ang mga babaeng umaasa sa mga lalaking hayup ay este tao pala.
10 SIGNS NA ISA SIYANG PAASA
1. Parang Pinaglihi siya sa Asukal kung Magpakilig
Ito ang pinaka common sa lahat ng Red Flag pero dito din natatanga ang mga babae. Pangit man pakinggan pero usually ang mga lalaking magaling magpakilig ay yung mga lalaking cum laude din sa pag papaASA. Kung kakakilala niyo pa lang at wala pa kayong nabubuong understanding at hanep na siya kung bumanat sayo e mag ingat ingat ka na. Alam kong mahirap hindi kiligin kapag sa mga ganitong pagkakataon lalo na pag type mo yung dumadamoves pero ugaliin nating medyo magpigil ng kilig sa mga ganitong pagkakataon kung hindi pa naman siya umaamin na may gusto siya sayo.
Hindi naman sa bitter ako sa buhay ko pero kasi base sa aking nakalap na impormasyon, (charot, kalunod yung tagalog) yung mga lalaking magagaling magpakilig at matatamis ang salita e yung mga lalaking sanay na sanay na sa ganito. Nangangahulugan na alam na alam niya na kung paano mapapa ibig ang babae. Buti sana kung seryoso siya dba? Kaso hangga't hindi niya pa sinasabing seryoso siya sayo e wag ka muna asang asa, girl. Masakit umasa sa waley. Nakakamatay. Char!
2. Daig pa ang stop light kung makapag bigay ng MIXED SIGNALS
May mga lalaking hindi mo maintindihan ang gusto. Minsan Oo... Minsan Hindi. Masyado niya atang idol ang Silent Sanctuary. Minsan Sweet... Minsan Hindi. Minsan feeling mo mahalaga ka sa kanya, then minsan naman parang pampalipas oras lang. May mga araw na buong araw kayo mag ka chat or text then may ibang araw naman na isang "Hi" o "Hello" e wala kang maririnig sa kanya. Magpaparamdam lang siya kung kailan niya lang trip. Tapos pag magkausap kayo paparamdam niya sayo na parang ikaw lang ang babae sa mundo tapos kinabukasan invisible na naman siya. Ikaw naman si eng eng, feeling mo mababaliw ka na sa kakaisip. Iniisip mo kung may nasabi ka ba o nagawa na hindi maganda para hindi ka nya kausapin o mawalan siya ng interest sayo. Then maiisip mo pa na ikaw ang mag first move dahil sa sobrang kabaliwan mo. Nakaka stress ang ganito girl, sarap pumasok na lang sa mental.
3. HINDI KA NAG IISA, madami kayong nilalandi niya
Kapag may gusto talaga sayo ang lalaki, titigil yan makipag landian sa ibang babae. Bakit? Simple lang. Bakit pa siya mag eeffot sa iba kung sayo pa lang solve na siya? Pero kung nakikita mo siyang nakikipag landian pa sa iba na para bang naghahanap pa, e iwas iwas na din diyan, girl! Ibig sabihin pinag tyatyagaan ka lang niya talaga. Wag mo na hintayin na makahanap siya ng babaeng seseryosohin niya at iwan ka na lang bigla sa ere. Bago ka pa niya iwan, ikaw na ang umalis.
4. Daig niya pa si President Duterte sa pagka BUSY
Okay lang naman maging busy ng ilang oras. Acceptable pa e. Lalo na kapag may mga exams, work o etc. na alam mong importante at talagang paglalaanan niya ng oras. Pero yung makakalimutang mag reply sayo ng isang buong araw o kaya naman i dedelivered zone yung message mo ng ilang araw, ABA iba na yun. Kung may time siyang huminga e may time din naman siguro siya mag check ng messages diba? Gaano kahirap pumindot ng phone? Madaming girls ang nagbubulagbulagan sa red flag na to e pero ang totoo kasi niyan, pag gusto ka talaga ng guy, he'll surely make time for you. Kahit gaano man kahirap, gagawa siya ng paraan.
5. Ikaw lagi FIRST MOVE
Kung laging ikaw na lang ang nag iinitiate o nag plaplano para sa date niyong dalawa. Aba! Magduda ka na. May mga babaeng hindi alam ang pinag kaiba ng "DATE" sa "HANG OUT" lang. Kaya hindi considered na date yung bigla ka nalang niyang itetext kung pwede mo siyang puntahan para makapag bonding kayo. Wala naman masama sa mga biglaang ganon pero diba ang convenient sa kanya non? Available siya at wala siyang ibang makasama kaya tinawag ka niya. Hindi naman talaga siya nag make time para sayo e. Binigay niya lang yung oras na patapon na para sa kanya. So ano na? Hanggang sa tirang oras na lang bes?
6. Hindi siya interesado sa mga taong malapit sayo
May mga lalaking sadyang mahiyain. Meron talaga na hindi comfortable na may kasama kayong iba o kaya naman sa presence ng magulang mo diba? Understandable naman yun na talagang may mga taong mas gusto na kayo lang. Pero ibang usapan naman siguro kung ang tagal niyo nang nag-dadate tapos ni isang beses hindi niya pa na meet parents mo sa kadahilanang "Ayaw niya". Dagdag mo pa kapag hindi niya gusto ma meet ang mga friends mo, hindi dahil nahihiya siya kundi wala kasi siyang pake. Ang lalaking seryoso ay mag eeffort na kilalanin lahat ng taong importante sayo. Pero ang lalaking "paasa lang" ay hindi na mag aaksaya ng panahon mag invest sa mga taong mahalaga sayo kasi hindi ka naman mahalaga. Awtsu ma #RealTalk.
7. Nabubuhay siya sa Excuses
Madaming pagkakataon na literal na pinaasa ka niya. Kunyare may usapan kayo ng ganito, ganyan... Lagi na lang siya may excuse para hindi makatupad sa usapan. Tanggap mo pa kung isang beses lang to nangyari pero yung halos every lakad nyo o kaya naman every usapan niyo, ganern? Ay iba. Sarap hambalusin mga ganito diba? Lalo na kapag nag effort ka magpaganda dahil alam mong makikita mo siya tas last minute i eexcuse niya sayo na di siya makakapunta dahil libing ng aso ng kapit bahay nila? Matindi to. Ang malala pa dun e after that mag sosorry lang siya tapos sasabihin na babawi tapos KAHIT KAILAN HINDI NAMAN BUMABAWI. Sarap pektusan.
8. EFFORTLESS.
Kailangan ko pa ba i elaborate to? If he's not exerting so much effort or kahit konting effort man lang para makilala ka ng lubusan, para alamin lahat ng bagay tungkol sayo... Mga bagay na nagpapasaya at nagpapalungkot sayo, mga pangarap mo, ang nakaraan mo at kahit ano pa yan na may kinalaman sayo... If he's not exerting so much effort to look beyond your physical features... Tama na. He's not the one for you.
9. He never drops the "L" word and will never drop
What is the "L" word? Love? Like? Both.
Never niyang sasabihin sayo na gusto ka niya. Yung as in gustong gusto ka niya na seryoso siya sayo. Lalo hindi niya din sasabihin na mahal ka niya. Kasi hindi naman talaga. Mga bes, ipapakita at ipaparamdam lang niya sayo na mahal ka niya o gusto ka niya pero hindi mo to maririnig na manggaling sa mismong bibig niya para sa huli kapag iniwan ka niya, wala kang masusumbat kasi nga diba
"I never said that I love you"
Lalabas e isa ka lang echoserang palaka na assumera.
10. Yes to Landian, No to Commitment
Madaming pwedeng reasons kung bakit hindi siya makapag commit sayo. Pwedeng hindi pa siya ready kasi kakagaling lang niya lang sa bad break up? Pwedeng focus siya sa career niya kaya hindi ka pa niya ma ipripriority. Pwede din namang GUSTO NIYA PA MAKIPAG LANDIAN SA IBA KAYA "SAY NO TO GIRLFRIEND" MUNA ANG PEG NIYA.
Kahit ano pa yang reason niya lagi nyo lang itanim dyan sa utak nyo na "YOU ARE WORTH COMMITING TO". Madami kasing reason kung bakit ayaw niya makipag commit pero isa lang ibig sabihin non, "He doesn't deserve you". Kung ikaw ay willing na makipag commit sa kanya and ready to give your all and face all the challenges of being in a relationship, well hindi mo deserve ang guy na nag dadalawang isip sayo.
Every girl deserves a guy who is sure of his feelings and will never ever make her feel that she's not enough. Every girl deserves a guy who is willing to go through hell just to be with her.
Madaming babaeng nakakalimutan yun at nag sesettle na lang sa guy na alam niya namang papaiyakin siya at papaasahin lang. Maybe because madaming babaeng natatakot na baka wala ng pag ibig na dumating sa kanila. Pero I believe na bawat babae sa mundo ay naka destined na mahanap ang tamang tao sa tamang panahon at sa tamang dahilan. Kaya hindi dapat tayo nag aaksaya ng oras sa mga lalaking magaling lang sa salita at ang expertise lang e magpaasa ng mga babae.
Mahirap maka spot ng PAASANG NILALANG at lalong mahirap pigilan ang damdamin kapag na fall ka na sa ganitong klaseng lalaki. Pero siguro nga, experience is our greatest teacher. At sa bawat maling lalaki na hinahayaan nating makapasok sa buhay natin, lalo tayo lumalapit sa tamang tao.
Hindi natin mapapatay lahat ng paasang tao sa mundo at hindi din natin sila ma coconvince na magbago kaya naman na sa atin na lang yun kung paano natin hahandle ang situation. Na sa atin na lang kung tayo ba ay aasa sa mga paasa.
Monday, March 30, 2020
How Does it Feel to be Single for so Long?
How does it feel to be single for so long?
I think I’m the most fitted person to answer that question. Many have asked me “why am I still single”, but none of them asked how does it feel like. Wether you find that question interesting or not, I would like to answer in a language that you would understand, but only my heart would know.
It feels…
Before, I was wondering if it’s impossible for our hearts not be in love nor broken at the same time. I always thought that your heart is either in love and happy with your current status, or sad and broken with someone you’ve just lost. Regardless of the two, your heart is still considered beating. Wether it’s happiness or sadness, your heart could still feel and I believe that’s what makes us human. We’re only human when we can feel… when we can love.
I thought it’s impossible to be not in love, but I was wrong. Because if it’s impossible, why does my heart not feeling anything?
Don’t get me wrong. I’m doing good with my life right now. I actually consider this phase as the best time to focus on my career. I believe that this is the most convenient time for me to just strive for anything that I want to achieve. It’s the best time because my heart doesn’t feel anything at all. It’s neither in love nor broken. No emotional complication can affect my decisions and the things that I do in my life. It’s so convenient to the point that I almost don’t want to end this phase.
Almost… just almost.
Because there are nights when all the things on my to-do-list are already marked check, I don’t want to do anything productive and just want to chill, even if I don’t want to admit… deep down inside me I’m wishing that I have someone who cares enough to ask how my day was, how was the the video that I’ve been editing since yesterday, have I eaten already and questions that only those who genuinely care for me would be interested to ask.
There are nights when I feel so alone even if I’m not. And those are the days when the harsh truth of reality will suddenly hit me and will leave me questioning if I’m ever gonna find love again. If there will be someone again who will genuinely cares. Someone that would actually stay this time and won’t let go.
I actually want to say that I really do feel nothing. It’s better to say that than to admit that I’m actually scared. I’m scared of not feeling anything. I’m scared of growing old alone. I always fear a broken heart, but now I already know that the worst thing that could happen than having your heart broken, is actually not finding love at all.
So I guess, my final answer to the question “How does it feel to be single for so long?”…
This is my answer.
Written on December 2018
Monday, July 15, 2019
Game? Game. Let's Play.
“Why are you hurting?”
“I don’t know”
“Do you love him?”
“No”
“Then why is he affecting you?”
“Maybe because of my pride? Ego? Maybe I just can’t accept the fact that he’s already happy with someone else and I’m not”
“You told me you’re not serious about him”
“I meant it”
“You’ll get over it”
“I know I will… I always do”
You know what sucks about dating? It’s the fact that the one who catches feelings is the loser. How great it is to go back in high school when dating is actually simple. No mind games… no mixed signals… just pure crush and puppy love. We may not consider putting the names of our high school sweet hearts in our dating list, but we have to be honest on this… it was then when the intention was clear and pure. I’m not a dating expert. I rarely go on dates. But if there is one thing that I’ve learned from my 23 years of existence is that “FEELINGS WILL FUCK YOU UP… in any human way possible”.
We live in the generation where everyone just wants to hook up. Nobody wants to take responsibility with their actions. We live in the era where not everybody is in a relationship, but everybody gets their heart broken. Even if we admit it or not, we do experience a heart break every now and then. Well maybe some scars are bigger than others… some take longer to heal and some are just heart breaks that are really subtle… usually we just deny it, but it exist.
Everyone is just playing games.
Some guys will deny it, but that’s where they are good at. They are so thrilled with playing mind games. They give mixed signals then blame the girl for actually catching feelings. Asshole. I used to not understand these kind of things until I’ve encountered these kind of guys. I met a lot of them, got my heart broken by one… along the way I learned how the game works. I learned the ins and outs. The rules and guidelines. The tricks and the cheat codes. I learned how to read between the lines. To read through their words and actions. I made sure that I know how to play the game better than anyone. I made sure that no one could ever hurt me, again.
“Why are you hurting?”
Exactly. If what I’ve said is true… if I’ve already mastered the art of guy’s manipulation, why is my heart hurting right now?
“Maybe because of my pride? Ego?”
Or maybe because of the fact that I’m losing hope with people. Maybe because I got sick of being in an exact same scenario every single time. Yes… I don’t always get my heart broken big time, but the thought of watching people just come and go with my life is starting to get into me. I always believe that not everyone who wants to come to my life should enter my life. I always put my guard up. I don’t show emotions. I rarely care. I don’t even make an effort to make them stay. I act tough. I look alright, but deep down inside I’m scared. My heart was totally wrecked by this kind of guy and I promised myself to never let that happen again. It took time to rebuild myself from what happened and I don’t want to experience that kind of pain again. That’s why I’ve learned all the things I know now… because I want hurt no more.
But then… despite all the things that I know, I realized that playing the game won’t save me from a heartache. Being good at their games won’t actually make me win the game. I’m stuck in an unending game that I no longer want to play.
When will it stop?
On the day you give up on love.
Lady Martin (January 28, 2019)
Lady Martin (January 28, 2019)
Thursday, January 10, 2019
I Attract Broken Things
“Do not fall for someone who is still trying to fix himself”
Five years ago, I had this huge crush on someone. Let’s call him “N”. I used to just look at him from a far. He didn’t know me. He wasn’t even aware of my existence. Two years after the first time I saw him, we became friends. He had just gone through a bad break up when we met. We talked to each other almost everyday for 8 months since then. At first, I really just wanted to be there as his friend. He was really devastated. His life was a mess. He was really fucked up. At some point, I really did care for him. I tried to just be there. I tried to deal with his issues. I tried to bring light to his life. I tried to fix him, but I failed. I walked away.
Almost a year ago, I met “J”. Since the day I first saw him, I knew that I already had a crush on him. He’s really cute… and really funny. He’s easy to get along with. He’s kind to everyone and most especially to his girl friend. I knew that he was in a relationship and I respect that. He’s just my crush anyway. I don’t think I’ll bring any harm as long as I don’t make a move, right? Months after… they broke up. He was hurt, I saw that. He couldn’t even mention her name without showing some pain. I saw how distracted he was, how he couldn’t focus. I felt the pain while looking at him and at that very moment I knew that I wanted to be there for him. That I wanted to help him take away every hurt that he was feeling. I tried to. I tried to be a good friend. It’s the best that I could do anyway… to just be a good friend.
Weeks later, he started calling me. He became interested on the things that I do. He started showing signs that he cares about me. Never there was a day that I didn’t second guess his intention. He actually shows signs that he actually likes me, but at the back of my mind I know that he hadn’t completely recovered from the break up. I thought of leaving and staying away from him most of the time, because I was so scared of what could happen. I was scared to be hurt. Because everyday I’m falling deeper and deeper and I’m really scared to reach the bottom, because I know when I do… it will hurt me so bad.
I wanted to stay away, but I didn’t. I let him in my life. I opened myself. I risk my heart trying to fix him, but in the end… it was me who was left broken.
Last night while I was out with my friends, I received a message from someone. “Ow, it was from ‘I’. How unexpected”. I’ve known him for awhile now. We work in the same industry. We’re not really close, but we exchange messages from time to time. We were just friends. Nothing more, nothing less. I knew that he has a girl friend. I didn’t think it was a big deal since we’re not really close. Though I find him really cute, like super… I had no interest since he’s already taken. That’s why when he texted me last night, I was a bit surprised. He doesn’t usually talk to me out from nowhere. I answered back, anyways.
We were just exchanging messages. It wasn’t a big deal until he suddenly asked me out. I was surprised though. I thought he has a girl friend? Why would he want to hangout with me? After a while, I found out that they’ve just broken up and he told me that he was just really devastated and he just needs someone to distract him.
WHUT?
Wait. Distract?
You need a distraction?
“Asshole” I thought.
I was offended. What made him think that I would want to be just a distraction? Though I’m a bit offended, I still replied calmly.
“I don’t think you need a distraction. I think you just need time”
That’s what I replied.
I refused to go out with him. I told him that we may go out when he’s already feeling better. I told him that I don’t want to go out with anyone who’s not really himself.
Earlier this day, I blocked him. I didn’t block him because I want to though, I did that because his ex girlfriend asked me to. She told me that they have just broken up and I should respect their relationship.
I was really pissed.
“Why are you so angry with me? Ako ba nag chat diyan sa ex mo?”
I wanted to say those lines to his ex girlfriend, but I realized that I’m just going to waste my time and I’m just gonna make the situation worse.
Instead of fighting back, I just replied “I’m going to block him. Hope you fix your issues”.
Then she replied, “Wag mo siyang i uunblock!”. That was her last chat. Oh God, what a bitch!
I didn’t reply after that and I just did what I said I’d do and just move on with my life.
“I attract broken things”
That’s what has been going on in my mind since this morning.
What’s wrong with me? Why do broken people keep knocking at my door? Why do they think that I could fix broken people? What made them think that I would just be there for them?
After experiencing this a couple of times, I’ve seen the pattern. I’m more aware now with the signs. I’m smarter now compared to who I was before. I always thought that people have a good heart. I always believed in the goodness of them. I never thought that people could intentionally hurt someone. I always have big heart. Maybe that’s the reason why I had always been a victim of this kind of situations.
It really is true. Experience is our greatest teacher. If it weren’t for those people, I would never know how cruel broken people could be. They will intentionally use and hurt someone innocent just to get by. They will not mind hurting other people, because they are too focus on their pain. I learned that no matter how good your heart is, you can never fix someone who’s broken without breaking yourself.
But do you deserve that?
Do you deserve to question your self worth?
Do I deserve it?
Women are not rehabilitation centers. We are not responsible for fixing broken men. Sometimes, we settle because we like the guy. We know that we’re not being treated right yet we stay because we hold on to the thought that maybe one day he’ll change… that one day he’ll realize your worth. We keep on holding on to that “one day”… maybe one day.
But why would we settle? Why would we want to break ourselves for a broken man? Why would we allow someone to treat us like we don’t deserve to be loved, to be respected, to be treated like queens? Why are we waiting for them to change?
Why are you waiting for him to realize your worth when you can actually stand up right now and walk away from him? Why would you wait for him to see your worth if you could give that to yourself?
Why can’t you see that you’re worth it and he’s not?
Stop wasting time. Stop settling. Stop disregarding your worth.
You.
Me.
We.
We are worth much more than fixing a broken man. We are not worthy of broken things and promises. We don’t deserve a broken heart.
And there should not be someone who could change that. Not even him.
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Ugly Duckling To Swan (MY STORY)
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